Damn.

I'm getting my hopes up. Dunno why, but I feel like this is the month, and it's totally not, of course, so the fall is going to be that much harder this time, and I hate when that happens.

23 days 'til I see the doc. Praying for a Positive sign before then.

Knowing there won't be.

Not even the need for a fucking test.

Night.

Quick update

Ok, so I went to the doctor yesterday, Dr. Corkum, and he wasn't nearly as creepy as I remembered, though he did still have a creepy marionette on his ceiling...anyway, basically it was just an introduction, he did the regular exam, I gave some urine, and now I need to give some blood and Dan needs to give some semen (something he's not thrilled about but there you go, it was to be expected, I find it humourous). He said that we'll meet again at the end of April to check the results of all those things and if everything checks out (no obvious issues), then he's going to put me on a 3 month round of Clomid (sp?)

I was fairly calm about the whole thing, even though it kinda bugs me how SLOWLY this process is. I won't see him again until April 30th, and then he'll start me on the medication, unless I have to go for more tests, and if it takes 3 months for the Clomid to kick in or whatever, then that's not until JULY that I could possibly get pregnant, meaning no baby until next winter...time is just wasting away, and I hate that part the most.

So that's about it. I'm still temping just to see if a pattern develops (so far nothing), and we'll still keep trying trying trying.

And I feel a bit less fat. Still got a ways to go, but the eating is under control (kinda), and I'm ttthhhisss close to going to the pool, I just have to, you know, not flake out.

That's all for now. Be back in April probably, unless a miracle occurs.

Gonna write this here because, although it's not related to my fertility per se, I don't really feel like posting it on my regular blog but I want to get it out, so here's the place I suppose.

I am gaining weight. Like, for the first time in my life, really gaining weight in a noticeable way, and I fucking HATE it. Usually in the winter I gain weight, and I've slowly been putting it on for years, slowly, but I feel like the past 2 months or so have been really bad, like I've gained maybe 10 pounds in 2 months or something. I haven't actually weighed myself, but I FEEL it. I used to be able to suck in my gut, but now I really can't, no matter what, and it sticks out, like alot. My back is fat, I have rolls, my face is fat, the double chin is getting bigger and the face rounder, my clothes aren't fitting well, and I just don't know what to do. I don't think I've been eating more than before, and although I don't exercise a ton, I haven't been doing LESS than in the Fall, for example. So I don't know...

So, it's gotten me really really down. I hate it, I hate my body and what's happening. I want to stop it, but it's hard to admit that I need to change some things, because I've never had to in the past and now I'm wondering why the rules have changed. I know I need to stop eating so poorly and stop eating sugar and stop piggin' out on chips and all that, but sadly in my head the answer to losing weight is to simply eat LESS, not change what I eat now. Even that is hard sometimes, and everytime I eat something bad now I feel like I can FEEL it piling onto me, and it grosses me out. I'm also trying to exercise but it's hard, I did Pilates for awhile but I'm like everyone else, if I don't see immediate results I feel like it's not working. I haven't done any this month, I should probably start up again. I did them last year for 2 months and I felt like they had actually done something, but this time after a month I felt almost no difference, and the weight just seemed to keep piling on, so...I also said I wanted to see about going to the Pool and swimming since that's a good way to exersice but it's easy on the joints and all that...fa-ack.

Sigh, it's making me depressed even writing this, but I wanted to acknowledge it and hopefully it will be something I will look back on and say I got through, that it wasn't just the beginning of something much worse. I don't want to hate my body, so I'm trying to learn to accept it the way it is now, but still try to improve at the same time.

Now, how will this affect trying to have a baby? Well, you can guess that if I'm not happy with my body, I'm not happy with showing it either, even to Dan. So it's making something that's already difficult with me even more difficult, since I'm not comfortable with myself in that way. Sigh again. So it's just another obstacle right now, but it's something that I can control, so I really need to work on it.

This is coming out all jumbled, so I'll stop. I need to do something about this. Quick. That's all I know.

I gave in...

I'm going to see a doctor on the 23rd. He's the guy I went to see last year in January, and although he's kinda creepy (he has clowns on his ceiling for you to look at while he examines you!), he did seem to know what would need to be done if infertility was an issue. He was the one who mentioned some sort of medication (started with a V but I can't remember it), and anyway, I think he will be able to help me or at least refer me to the IWK Infertility Clinic...ugh, so embarassing.

What 25 year old has fertility issues?

Anyway, we'll see how it goes then, hopefully he can help me.

Sometimes I just think....

....like, what the fuck?

Why is this happening? Or more importantly, why the fuck ISN'T this happening?

Everytime I get super tired for no apparent reason I secretly hope it's because I'm pregnant.

Everytime I feel nauseous for no apparent reason I secretly hope it's because I'm pregnant

Everytime I see my little gut I secretly hope it's because I'm pregnant (this one more than the others!)

This lyric rings sooo true to me and has for a long time, since I started thinking "bébé". It's Radiohead, the song "There There"

"JUST 'CAUSE YOU FEEL IT/
DOESN'T MEANT IT'S THERE"

So fucking true. I'm scrappin' that, tonight hopefully, I need to get it out.

Random baby related thoughts: January 23rd, 2009

Well, another year over, and a new one just begun...

No baby in '08, really hoping for one in '09 (which means getting pregnant in the next 2 months...very unlikely.)

I finished my first cycle (6 weeks long, those buggers!) today, starting a new one, and so far the charting thing hasn't been too bad. So far I'm only tracking temps and intercourse, but I may get into it a bit more if need be. Getting up on the weekends was a pain, but I only missed about 4 days (took the temp later than 6:30), so that's not too bad overall, I liked seeing how the chart formed, and it looks like (not for sure, but maybe), I ovulated, which is what I need to know in the first place.

So, as of right now, my plan is:
-Chart for another 2 cycles, which brings me to the end of March or so; see if I can find a pattern of some sort...
-If nothing happens by then, call a gynaecologist and let them know I would like to get some tests done; go from there. Also go see my family doctor to get some blood work done for my thyroid, see if that has changed or needs treatment.
-Try to eat better and exercise more in the meantime

Sooo, not much else new to report, just going to keep trackin' along, monitoring my possible fertile days and taking advantage of those and hoping for the best. That's all I can do at this point, is hope.

Happy New Year, let's hope it's THE year.

Another boy, oh boy...

Just a quick note to say that today Jonas, my 4th nephew (in a row!) was born. Selena and Tom are very happy, she thought it was going to be a boy (as did everyone else mostly), so I'm assuming she was happy at the result. 8 pounds, 10 ounces, so a big little guy, but he seems healthy and we're all eagerly await new pics of him this weekend! Congrats guys!

Now, how does this make me feel? Happy, of course, I couldn't stop awwing when I found out, but of course, at the same time, as with anytime I hear about a baby being born or someone I know getting pregnant, I get a little sad as well because it reminds me of what I don't have. Now, Selena has gone through infertility issues way beyond anything I'm experiencing right now, so I know that no one deserves this more than her, she supports me in ways that most people can't/don't, but all the same, I'm sad and I think "why can't that be me?" We've been trying just as long as they have (for their 2nd), but I'm trying not to think that, our time will come as well, I just don't know when...

Sigh.

On a completly non-baby related note, I'm really liking this guy's music. So calm, so pretty, so sorrowful, which kinda suits my mood right now, happy/sad.

That's all. Welcome Jonas!


EDIT: About 15 mins after I wrote this, I went to bed and I cried. Big, fat tears, sobs, the whole thing... I cried hard for about 3 mins and then it was over, the tears dried up. Not sure what that was all about, a combination of too much sad piano music and an unknowing husband and hormones maybe. Or maybe what I'm feeling inside just made it to the surface for a bit. I don't let that happen all that often, and when it does I usually try to stop it immediately (hence the 3 minute time limit), but sometimes I really just can't control it. Whether it's directly related to this whole thing or not is another question, but this post triggered something, that I can be certain of.

That's all.