Sunday, June 28, 2009

So I found out last night that Claire, Dylan's wife, is pregnant. Sara is pregnant and just announced it to everyone. Tessah (at work) is pregnant...and on and on it goes it seems. I'm happy for all these people, but at the same time whenever I hear something like that, about someone being pregnant, close to me or not, a little nagging devil starts to wiggle around inside me, screaming in my head "they're pregnant and so happy but you're NOT," "hey, just a reminder in case you forgot, you're NOT pregnant," "Sara will have 2 kids in the amount of time you have been trying to have just one," "Claire and Tessah were both bitching about not being able to get pregnant, and I talked to them about it, and they compared themselves to me, yet here they are, knocked up in only, what 6 months of trying? You have been trying for more than THREE times that long..." and so on. The devil won last night, and I cried.

I'm not optimistic about this round of Clomid at all. My temps are way off, and the computer is saying that I didn't ovulate until Day 19, which probably means that it didn't work at all, because even then the Temps aren't really what should be expected, not like last month's. So, yeah, I totally expect to get my period next week and start Round 3, my final round (and hope) of anything working this summer, if not then I wait until October before moving on to the next thing, and that depresses me to no end. I do not want to cross that bridge, this one has been hard enough.

I've also decided that I'm done being "jokey" about this around people, it's been going on 2 years (or longer depending how you look at it), and it's not funny anymore, espeically not to me. I do it to make it less uncomfortable for other people, but I'm done doing it for them, it's not genuine and it's not true to my real feelings, which are painful and worrysome and hard to deal with.

So that's what's been going on during Round 2.

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

Hi G,

I just came over from your other blog. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and my thoughts and hopes are with you and your DH.

I'm probably the worst person you want to talk to right now (I am expecting), but it was a long and hard road to get here.

This is my story... after a year plus of trying, we lost the pregnancy at 3 months... I ended up requiring two surgeries, not to mention an ambulance/fire truck run to the hospital... it was terrible and I was beyond depressed. It then took us forever (almost another full year... an eternity to me) to conceive again.

Whenever I'd get my period, I'd feel soooo down. It sounds terrible, but I hated all pregnant woman for a very long time. I especially wanted to punch out woman who told me they got pregnant on the first try as well (even now, actually - I still feel a lot of bitterness about my first pregnancy experience).

It sucks, I know. It's not easy and I understand your pain and disappointment. I am hopeful that you will get through this one way or another and be able to have the family you've always dreamed of. Be gentle with yourself. I'll be thinking of you.