Thursday, December 11, 2008

Another boy, oh boy...

Just a quick note to say that today Jonas, my 4th nephew (in a row!) was born. Selena and Tom are very happy, she thought it was going to be a boy (as did everyone else mostly), so I'm assuming she was happy at the result. 8 pounds, 10 ounces, so a big little guy, but he seems healthy and we're all eagerly await new pics of him this weekend! Congrats guys!

Now, how does this make me feel? Happy, of course, I couldn't stop awwing when I found out, but of course, at the same time, as with anytime I hear about a baby being born or someone I know getting pregnant, I get a little sad as well because it reminds me of what I don't have. Now, Selena has gone through infertility issues way beyond anything I'm experiencing right now, so I know that no one deserves this more than her, she supports me in ways that most people can't/don't, but all the same, I'm sad and I think "why can't that be me?" We've been trying just as long as they have (for their 2nd), but I'm trying not to think that, our time will come as well, I just don't know when...


On a completly non-baby related note, I'm really liking this guy's music. So calm, so pretty, so sorrowful, which kinda suits my mood right now, happy/sad.

That's all. Welcome Jonas!

EDIT: About 15 mins after I wrote this, I went to bed and I cried. Big, fat tears, sobs, the whole thing... I cried hard for about 3 mins and then it was over, the tears dried up. Not sure what that was all about, a combination of too much sad piano music and an unknowing husband and hormones maybe. Or maybe what I'm feeling inside just made it to the surface for a bit. I don't let that happen all that often, and when it does I usually try to stop it immediately (hence the 3 minute time limit), but sometimes I really just can't control it. Whether it's directly related to this whole thing or not is another question, but this post triggered something, that I can be certain of.

That's all.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

So, it's not so bad...

Just finished my first week of temping, and although it was annoying this weekend to get up early and take it (I take it at 6:30am, and I actually woke up this morning, hit my alarm, but forgot to take the temp, so I didn't take it until 9:30), I got pretty used to it. This might actually work well with my obsessive tracking and organizing actually, it was cool to see the chart and how it works. I'm hoping that it'll be really obvious when the temp drops and then goes up again, so that I won't have to wait 3 months to find out when my most fertile days are, but we'll have to wait and see.

In other news, well, there really isn't any other news. I haven't been thinking about it much lately, have had other things going on, and when life is like that, I tend to forget about all this, the idea of my infertility is really something that's kept in the back of my mind and only emerges about once or twice a month, when something triggers me to think about it. So, until that happens, you won't be hearing much from me.

This is the end goal, though, and I can't forget it:

Some pics of my friend Sara and her little guy Judah. It's been so fun to watch him grow up (he's 9 months now), and so amazing to watch my best friend turn into this wonderful mum, seeing them always makes the itch to have a baby that much stronger.

I wish I could talk to her about my frustrations a bit more though, she knows what's going on but I don't think she knows how to sympathize, and I always make light of it with her to keep it comforatble I guess, but maybe I should talk to her seriously next time, I teared up twice when talking to her last time (the realization that I probably won't have a baby in 2009 is the tear-trigger lately), so I won't be able to keep it light much longer. She got pregnant in a month though, so how can she understand?

Oh, and just to remember, right now "A Song for Sleeping" by the Stone Temple Pilots makes me tear up as well, especially:

"Finally I met you,
The day has come,
You're more than beautiful
And your my son
I don't deserve this
I never thought it could be
Quite like the moment
When you first smiled at me"



Tuesday, November 25, 2008

It's begun...

This better work.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A different kind of temping...

I used to be a temp for HPP, now it looks like I'll be doing a different kind of temping...

Since trying to get pregnant without any aid whatsoever is not working and it appears as though I will have to do some work in order to help this process along, I am going to start taking my Basal Body Temperature (BBT), as soon as my cycle starts up again (this week hopefully.)

Thoughts on this: I don't want to do it, plain and simple.

There are a few reasons:
-It's a pain in the ass. You have to remember to take it at the same time everyday, meaning you have to get up at the same time everyday to record it, which for me only works 5/7 days a week. No more sleeping in. And if you forget a day? I'll have this thing hanging over my head as soon as I wake up. Blah.
-It seems quite complicated. Fertilityfriend is going to help me out alot to keep track of it all, but still, reading the charts is going to be a challenge.
-I was told that it takes about 3 months of temping before you can actually predict your Ovulation day, which for me seems like a long freakin' time!!
-If I don't even ovulate in the first place I don't see how this will help me (I guess it will tell me if I am or not, which is handy)
-By doing this, I am effectively "trying" to get pregnant, which to me equals a lot of stress and thinking about it, which only makes it worse. Up until now I've tried to keep this whole affair fairly light hearted, and I've been keeping an "outta-sight, outta mind" philosophy, because thinking about it really stresses/depresses me out, so having that daily reminder that "oh, better take my temp so that I can get pregnant because, ha, look at that, I'm NOT pregnant, for the X# of months" could potentially make things worse.

So, yeah, that's about it. I know that it's the best thing I can do right now, and realistically I should have started awhile ago, so hopefully in the next few months I'll have a clearer understand of what's going on with my body and whether I will need even further help (if I'm not ovulating, which at this point I'm thinking is a 50/50 chance that I am...)

Let the temping begin (and the complaining end).

The Facts

Ok, so here is the basic info:

-25 years old
-average weight (130 pounds)
-average to poor diet (I don't eat a lot of fruit and veggies, but I'm not eating Mcdonald's everyday either, I drink a decent amount of water)
-average to low exercise amount (I walk about 20-25 mins a day to and from work, bus, etc)

The medical stuff:

-very irregular cycles (missed periods for months at a time, didn't get my period until amost 16)
-was diagnosed with Marfan syndrome in Jan 08; no treatment whatsoever
-been told I have hypothyroidism (slow metabolism); not taking anything for it
-been told I have peripheral cysts on my ovaries; nothing has been done since
-didn't have a period for nearly 8 months in '07
-been having regular periods since Oct '07 or so
-have been off birth control pills since Dec '06 (went back on in August and September 07 but went off them again)
-average of 8-12 "times" a month for hubs and I
-last time I saw the doctor: Nov or Dec 07 (can't remember)
-been trying to conceive for over a year (since I went off the bc pills in Oct '07 and my periods came back)
-no fertility treatements or aid or any kind; just been trying the old fashioned way

So there you have it. Some obvious reasons for not getting pregnant in there I guess, when you have it all mapped out, but the thing is, I feel like I'm a very healthy person. Even the hypothyroidism has no symptoms (fatigue is average, no weight gain or loss, etc)

So, I always say that I'm the "healthiest sick person" around. Not that it's doing me alot of good.

What's this all about?

Ok, so I decided to start a separate blog to talk about something more personal than what I would normally want to share on my other infertility issues (or at least what I think are infertility issues.) Most of my friends and family know what is going on, at least the general picture, considering I don't have a screaming baby on my hip yet, but it's not something that necessarily needs to be shared with the whole world, especially when I start to let our all my frustrations, fears and general rantings....which is what this will mostly be. I cannot for the life of me keep up a traditional pen and paper journal, my hands can't handle it, so this is the only way it can be. If I can somehow help someone by talking about being 25 and having fertility problems, then all the better, but mostly it's just somewhere where I can come and vent and talk about this openly and freely without feeling like I'm skeezing my father-in-law or random scrapbook chicks out.

So there you have it.

I'm Geneviève, I'm 25, and I've been trying to have a baby for over a year.