Saturday, February 7, 2009

Gonna write this here because, although it's not related to my fertility per se, I don't really feel like posting it on my regular blog but I want to get it out, so here's the place I suppose.

I am gaining weight. Like, for the first time in my life, really gaining weight in a noticeable way, and I fucking HATE it. Usually in the winter I gain weight, and I've slowly been putting it on for years, slowly, but I feel like the past 2 months or so have been really bad, like I've gained maybe 10 pounds in 2 months or something. I haven't actually weighed myself, but I FEEL it. I used to be able to suck in my gut, but now I really can't, no matter what, and it sticks out, like alot. My back is fat, I have rolls, my face is fat, the double chin is getting bigger and the face rounder, my clothes aren't fitting well, and I just don't know what to do. I don't think I've been eating more than before, and although I don't exercise a ton, I haven't been doing LESS than in the Fall, for example. So I don't know...

So, it's gotten me really really down. I hate it, I hate my body and what's happening. I want to stop it, but it's hard to admit that I need to change some things, because I've never had to in the past and now I'm wondering why the rules have changed. I know I need to stop eating so poorly and stop eating sugar and stop piggin' out on chips and all that, but sadly in my head the answer to losing weight is to simply eat LESS, not change what I eat now. Even that is hard sometimes, and everytime I eat something bad now I feel like I can FEEL it piling onto me, and it grosses me out. I'm also trying to exercise but it's hard, I did Pilates for awhile but I'm like everyone else, if I don't see immediate results I feel like it's not working. I haven't done any this month, I should probably start up again. I did them last year for 2 months and I felt like they had actually done something, but this time after a month I felt almost no difference, and the weight just seemed to keep piling on, so...I also said I wanted to see about going to the Pool and swimming since that's a good way to exersice but it's easy on the joints and all that...fa-ack.

Sigh, it's making me depressed even writing this, but I wanted to acknowledge it and hopefully it will be something I will look back on and say I got through, that it wasn't just the beginning of something much worse. I don't want to hate my body, so I'm trying to learn to accept it the way it is now, but still try to improve at the same time.

Now, how will this affect trying to have a baby? Well, you can guess that if I'm not happy with my body, I'm not happy with showing it either, even to Dan. So it's making something that's already difficult with me even more difficult, since I'm not comfortable with myself in that way. Sigh again. So it's just another obstacle right now, but it's something that I can control, so I really need to work on it.

This is coming out all jumbled, so I'll stop. I need to do something about this. Quick. That's all I know.

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