Yeah...obviously I'm pregnant, not that anyone reads this blog, so this is probably the end of my little infertility rants. I thought about posting all my preggo stuff on this blog but instead I'll just be posting on my regular blog here.

Yay!

I'm still here...

and I'll be back...soon.

So I found out last night that Claire, Dylan's wife, is pregnant. Sara is pregnant and just announced it to everyone. Tessah (at work) is pregnant...and on and on it goes it seems. I'm happy for all these people, but at the same time whenever I hear something like that, about someone being pregnant, close to me or not, a little nagging devil starts to wiggle around inside me, screaming in my head "they're pregnant and so happy but you're NOT," "hey, just a reminder in case you forgot, you're NOT pregnant," "Sara will have 2 kids in the amount of time you have been trying to have just one," "Claire and Tessah were both bitching about not being able to get pregnant, and I talked to them about it, and they compared themselves to me, yet here they are, knocked up in only, what 6 months of trying? You have been trying for more than THREE times that long..." and so on. The devil won last night, and I cried.

I'm not optimistic about this round of Clomid at all. My temps are way off, and the computer is saying that I didn't ovulate until Day 19, which probably means that it didn't work at all, because even then the Temps aren't really what should be expected, not like last month's. So, yeah, I totally expect to get my period next week and start Round 3, my final round (and hope) of anything working this summer, if not then I wait until October before moving on to the next thing, and that depresses me to no end. I do not want to cross that bridge, this one has been hard enough.

I've also decided that I'm done being "jokey" about this around people, it's been going on 2 years (or longer depending how you look at it), and it's not funny anymore, espeically not to me. I do it to make it less uncomfortable for other people, but I'm done doing it for them, it's not genuine and it's not true to my real feelings, which are painful and worrysome and hard to deal with.

So that's what's been going on during Round 2.

Bust.

1st round = Nada.

Stupid me thought it would work the first time, no problem. Hopes up high and everything.

"Yeah right!" the Universe said, "you aren't getting away that easy!"

2nd round here I come.

1st cycle done...

So I went to the doctor today to find out if the first round of Clomid worked and by the looks of it, it worked quite well. My chart was reading just as expected (which gave me a good feeling as time went on), and he said that my progesterone level was "really good" (78.5, whatever that means), so it appears as though I ovulated (cue singing choir angels, Hallellujah!)

Now, whether or not that means I'll get pregnant is another story. Right now I'm just waiting for the dreaded flow to start and indicate that this month was a bust, move on to the next. The doctor gave me 2 more prescriptions for the clomid, said take 'em if you need 'em, and if they don't work (ie: I'm not pregnant), to 'take a break' for 3 months then come back to see him....soooo, if I don't get pregnant within the next 2 months I'll have to wait until October or so to try the next thing. Pressure much?

So, that's about it. Of course, I'm hoping for a lack of period and a positive sign next week, but I'm not holding my breath, after all this time I doubt it's going to be that easy. But we shall see.

Good news, I suffered no side effects whatsoever, and it was fairly easy to do, so all in all I can't complain about the Clomid Experience.

Be back once I have news, good or bad I guess.

No eggies.

I'm at work and been slacking way too long, so I'll make this short. Went to the doctor yesterday and:

-Dan's sperm is fine.
-My bloodwork indicates that I'm not ovulating.
-Going to start my 1st round of Clomid this cycle.
-Going back to see him on Day 28 of my cycle to see how I responded to the treatment.

So, that's about it in a nutshell. I'm pretty excited to get started actually, 'cause it might actually work...maybe not though, from what I've read it's only a 30-50% success rate, so still pretty low, but it's better than nothing I suppose.

I'm also annoyed/worried right now because I'm 6 days late (no, not pg, took a test on Wednesday before going to the doc's), so I'm really hoping that my periods aren't going to disappear again like they did in 2007. It would just be appropriate for that to happen though, just to spite me. Now that I actually need my period to start this treatment, it decides to not show up, so that I'll have to go back to my family doc to try and kickstart that again, wasting another 3 months...ok, I'm going to stop, trying to think positively.

So that's the situation now. Am I happy about it? Not overly, but like I said, I'm hopeful. I can't wait to get started basically. Get this show on the road.

I'll update once I start the Clomid to report any side effects or interesting-ness....or if I become forced to move 2 steps back and try to regulate my cycles again (seriously, I was regular for 9 months before this!!)

I'm out.

ETA: So funny when things happen like that. Pretty much immediately after I wrote this I started spotting and I'm now on Day 1 of my cycle. So that's great news, one less thing to worry about. It was just a long cycle (47 days!) So as it looks now I'll be visiting the doc at the end of the month to see how things go, wish me luck!!

Damn.

I'm getting my hopes up. Dunno why, but I feel like this is the month, and it's totally not, of course, so the fall is going to be that much harder this time, and I hate when that happens.

23 days 'til I see the doc. Praying for a Positive sign before then.

Knowing there won't be.

Not even the need for a fucking test.

Night.

Quick update

Ok, so I went to the doctor yesterday, Dr. Corkum, and he wasn't nearly as creepy as I remembered, though he did still have a creepy marionette on his ceiling...anyway, basically it was just an introduction, he did the regular exam, I gave some urine, and now I need to give some blood and Dan needs to give some semen (something he's not thrilled about but there you go, it was to be expected, I find it humourous). He said that we'll meet again at the end of April to check the results of all those things and if everything checks out (no obvious issues), then he's going to put me on a 3 month round of Clomid (sp?)

I was fairly calm about the whole thing, even though it kinda bugs me how SLOWLY this process is. I won't see him again until April 30th, and then he'll start me on the medication, unless I have to go for more tests, and if it takes 3 months for the Clomid to kick in or whatever, then that's not until JULY that I could possibly get pregnant, meaning no baby until next winter...time is just wasting away, and I hate that part the most.

So that's about it. I'm still temping just to see if a pattern develops (so far nothing), and we'll still keep trying trying trying.

And I feel a bit less fat. Still got a ways to go, but the eating is under control (kinda), and I'm ttthhhisss close to going to the pool, I just have to, you know, not flake out.

That's all for now. Be back in April probably, unless a miracle occurs.

Gonna write this here because, although it's not related to my fertility per se, I don't really feel like posting it on my regular blog but I want to get it out, so here's the place I suppose.

I am gaining weight. Like, for the first time in my life, really gaining weight in a noticeable way, and I fucking HATE it. Usually in the winter I gain weight, and I've slowly been putting it on for years, slowly, but I feel like the past 2 months or so have been really bad, like I've gained maybe 10 pounds in 2 months or something. I haven't actually weighed myself, but I FEEL it. I used to be able to suck in my gut, but now I really can't, no matter what, and it sticks out, like alot. My back is fat, I have rolls, my face is fat, the double chin is getting bigger and the face rounder, my clothes aren't fitting well, and I just don't know what to do. I don't think I've been eating more than before, and although I don't exercise a ton, I haven't been doing LESS than in the Fall, for example. So I don't know...

So, it's gotten me really really down. I hate it, I hate my body and what's happening. I want to stop it, but it's hard to admit that I need to change some things, because I've never had to in the past and now I'm wondering why the rules have changed. I know I need to stop eating so poorly and stop eating sugar and stop piggin' out on chips and all that, but sadly in my head the answer to losing weight is to simply eat LESS, not change what I eat now. Even that is hard sometimes, and everytime I eat something bad now I feel like I can FEEL it piling onto me, and it grosses me out. I'm also trying to exercise but it's hard, I did Pilates for awhile but I'm like everyone else, if I don't see immediate results I feel like it's not working. I haven't done any this month, I should probably start up again. I did them last year for 2 months and I felt like they had actually done something, but this time after a month I felt almost no difference, and the weight just seemed to keep piling on, so...I also said I wanted to see about going to the Pool and swimming since that's a good way to exersice but it's easy on the joints and all that...fa-ack.

Sigh, it's making me depressed even writing this, but I wanted to acknowledge it and hopefully it will be something I will look back on and say I got through, that it wasn't just the beginning of something much worse. I don't want to hate my body, so I'm trying to learn to accept it the way it is now, but still try to improve at the same time.

Now, how will this affect trying to have a baby? Well, you can guess that if I'm not happy with my body, I'm not happy with showing it either, even to Dan. So it's making something that's already difficult with me even more difficult, since I'm not comfortable with myself in that way. Sigh again. So it's just another obstacle right now, but it's something that I can control, so I really need to work on it.

This is coming out all jumbled, so I'll stop. I need to do something about this. Quick. That's all I know.

I gave in...

I'm going to see a doctor on the 23rd. He's the guy I went to see last year in January, and although he's kinda creepy (he has clowns on his ceiling for you to look at while he examines you!), he did seem to know what would need to be done if infertility was an issue. He was the one who mentioned some sort of medication (started with a V but I can't remember it), and anyway, I think he will be able to help me or at least refer me to the IWK Infertility Clinic...ugh, so embarassing.

What 25 year old has fertility issues?

Anyway, we'll see how it goes then, hopefully he can help me.

Sometimes I just think....

....like, what the fuck?

Why is this happening? Or more importantly, why the fuck ISN'T this happening?

Everytime I get super tired for no apparent reason I secretly hope it's because I'm pregnant.

Everytime I feel nauseous for no apparent reason I secretly hope it's because I'm pregnant

Everytime I see my little gut I secretly hope it's because I'm pregnant (this one more than the others!)

This lyric rings sooo true to me and has for a long time, since I started thinking "bébé". It's Radiohead, the song "There There"

"JUST 'CAUSE YOU FEEL IT/
DOESN'T MEANT IT'S THERE"

So fucking true. I'm scrappin' that, tonight hopefully, I need to get it out.

Random baby related thoughts: January 23rd, 2009

Well, another year over, and a new one just begun...

No baby in '08, really hoping for one in '09 (which means getting pregnant in the next 2 months...very unlikely.)

I finished my first cycle (6 weeks long, those buggers!) today, starting a new one, and so far the charting thing hasn't been too bad. So far I'm only tracking temps and intercourse, but I may get into it a bit more if need be. Getting up on the weekends was a pain, but I only missed about 4 days (took the temp later than 6:30), so that's not too bad overall, I liked seeing how the chart formed, and it looks like (not for sure, but maybe), I ovulated, which is what I need to know in the first place.

So, as of right now, my plan is:
-Chart for another 2 cycles, which brings me to the end of March or so; see if I can find a pattern of some sort...
-If nothing happens by then, call a gynaecologist and let them know I would like to get some tests done; go from there. Also go see my family doctor to get some blood work done for my thyroid, see if that has changed or needs treatment.
-Try to eat better and exercise more in the meantime

Sooo, not much else new to report, just going to keep trackin' along, monitoring my possible fertile days and taking advantage of those and hoping for the best. That's all I can do at this point, is hope.

Happy New Year, let's hope it's THE year.